Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Me and 90-year old self

I wait to meet him in a near empty parking lot next to some wilderness spot. He is already 20 minutes late and I am beginning to get hungry. We have a three hour hike in front of us and I am already getting hungry. I grab some nuts from my snack bag and ravenously shove them in mouth. Salted peanuts are good but too much in one bite and they can easily dry your mouth out. As I begin to chew the peanuts, I worry. I am worried that my 90-year old hiking buddy won't be able to make it the entire hike. He is 90 years old. That is plenty years old. When I finally manage to work the peanuts to the point where they have used up all my saliva, I hear a voice behind me.

"Hey me! I am here," he yells out with a wide smile.

I can't believe how amazing amazing I look at the age of 90. I am not frail or sad looking. I am a happy, energetic, go-getting man.

"Sorry I'm late but I am sure that it will be plenty worth it. I saw a wine shop on the way and had to stop in and get something. Don't worry, I will carry it. Also, I brought more than enough instant hot chocolate to last us for years. I figured you would probably just bring the bare minimums, seeing as I know you so very well."

I can't help but smile at him. He does know me quite well. He was me. He knows very well what I am going to be asking him and what I need to know.

We gather our stuff and venture out. Apparently, at the age of 90, I own a small cottage which is a three hour hike in from a parking lot next to the ocean which is about 2 hours away from a city. I give a quiet smile thinking about how gregarious I will be. The hike was beautiful and full of pictures. We stopped every 30 minutes for a picture break and I picked up a few tips on good nature photos from the old man. He told me that we get into nature photography at some point focusing on animals and birds, birds especially. I find it a little odd seeing as how I only want to take pictures of squirrels.

After quite a long while, we arrive at "Château de Alexander",  a lovely little handpainted sign tells me that. It is an extremely cozy cabin, in every sense of the word "cozy". It is small with only one gigantic room separated by  changing screens. There are no chairs in the cottage. "I feel that when I bring people up here and they are forced to sit on the comfy pillows on the ground, they become so much more comfortable, so much faster. At the end of their stay, they are raving about how great it was to 'camp' out and only have pillows to sit on," he explains.

He announces that it is time for dinner. I pull out my freeze-dried instant meals and we prepare them and eat. Even though I am talking to my future self, I am still a little shy. He seems to pick up on that and we only talk about the cottage, the hike and the pictures we took for a good long while. He takes me outside while it is still daylight and starts showing me around his garden. And by garden, I mean a two-seater swing peering out into the wilderness. He tells me that in the morning the deer come over and are really friendly, as long as we are on the swing. The moment someone stands up or someone isn't on the swing, the deer run away and don't return until the next morning. I become quite excited for the possibility of seeing deer close up. After a good sit on the swing, we go back inside to start our dialog, the dialog we were intended to have.

He puts on the water, in what I consider the largest pot possible. He looks over at me staring and laughs saying that we like hot water and will more than likely go through it all. He takes out the boxes of tea and hot chocolate from his bag. He is totally me. I get so happy when I see him do that that I rush over and inspect the bounty. Earl Grey, Lemongrass, Ginger, Cherry, Keemun Black! After he sees me he starts to say as I join him in unison "Keemun Black - Ginger!" We are the same. No doubt about it now. My guard is completely let down now. He grabs the wine and has me open it while he gets the fancy wine glasses from the cupboard. He tells me to pour him a glass and goes over in the pillow circle and makes himself comfortable. "The fancy looking glasses are plastic, I love me," I think to myself as I get the glasses ready. I go over and hand him both glasses as I flop down and prepare my own little spot. He hands me my glass back and says, "this is where we begin."

"What would you have me know?" I start.

"Only that you need to get over yourself and stat. Your entire life you have been somewhat a taker. You haven't given enough back. In conversation, you only listen and are scared to talk to people. You are an amazing person and you have to believe me on that one. It is time for you to start demanding."

"What things could I do or experience that would have the most positive impact on my life?

"Start meditating and practicing yoga. Trust me, it will help. I am talking about a personal practice. It is fine if you want to go to a class here and there but you need to set yourself up a home, personal practice. This needs to be for you and not have someone else do it for you. You need the discipline to do it yourself. That would be the best start for you."

"Will that actually help me?"

"More than you know. We need the serenity from the mind. We need to break the mind into calming itself and loving itself. Only intention to love will do that. Everything you need to know, is already inside of you, you just have to let it out," he says as he pokes my heart.

"Are you talking about my inner child?"

"And your inner teenager, and your inner 25-year old, and your inner 35-year old, and so on. Learning about these stages in your life is fantastic and learning to live together is the best. You are avoiding a pain that is not going to kill you. Now finding that pain, I remember how hard that was."

"Can you tell me what that pain was and where to find it?"

"No, that would be cheating. Part of the pain is discovering it yourself. Feeling it yourself. "

"Will I be married and have children at your age?"

"How old are you again? Oh yes, you are going through something right now with Chris, right? It is amazing how time heals so many wounds. Not just passive time, but the assertive, active time."

"Are you not going to answer my last question," I wink.

"No." He smiles back.

"What can I do about Chris, then?"

"Give it a try. Seriously. This is where you need to start being demanding. If you aren't demanding, then you are going to have a world of pain and hurt. Just smile, inside, and give it a go. Accept the fact that you are letting your inner child take over when you are dealing with him. You don't want to give him attention because he consistently asks for it in his own inner child-hurt ways. You two as children, would never get along. As adults, well, I wouldn't want to give you spoilers."

"You are something else, you know that?"

"Hahaha! You just wait! You'll get yours." He says as he gets up to make some Keemun Black - Ginger tea.

"How can I learn to acknowledge the child-like actions?"

"Mindfulness. You have to stop autospeaking and start mindful talking. It is going to be difficult, tedious, and time consuming but it is worth it. Like how you are learning German right now. You are thinking of what you want to say and then you have to go over if you can say that in German. It's the same thing with mindful speaking. Think of what you want to say, go over if that is what you actually want to say and then say it. And no, I'm not going to talk German with you."

"So not fair that you have already experienced this conversation."

"Someday you will have it again as well!" He hands me my cup of tea.

"Smells great! Will I be happy?"

"Oh yes, you will be. You know that feeling inside that screams for being someone else? Well it shuts up. That is how happy we are."

"How does that voice go away?"

"You see someone one day and this person inspires you. The good thing is that instead of being fleeting like the other guys you see, it's permanent. We see this man in the mirror. We are our own inspiration."

"Talking to you is like reading a self-help book!" I chuckle.

"And you are quickly on your way to sounding the same."

"Do you like the way you look?"

"I love the way I look. Sometimes I spend an extra few minutes looking in the mirror in awe at me. Not because I think I am some young twink that is oh so sexy, buy because I am perfect for me. Look at how much we look alike but how different we are! Life is incredible and I am happy to have looked like you and now like this."

"What about amazing sex?"

"It's just for stories. Doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things."

"How do you view humanity?"

"Like they are, such great potential. Everyone, honestly, is so very beautiful. They all make different decisions and love different things and they MOVE! Humans are so incredible."

"Time for the meaning of life."

"You came up with something when you were around 9 years old. It still stands. The meaning of life is to live. We were quite a brilliant child, weren't we?"

"Yeah, we were. Still think you are a Buddhist Sage reincarnated?"



"I was so funny."

"Apparently, I still am."

"Listen, kid, it's time to go to sleep. We've been at this for a while and regardless of what you think, I still am really old and need sleep."

"I figured. You have sleepy bedtime eyes. I will clean up here. You go get ready for bed."

I start cleaning up and hear the old me in the bathroom fumbling around. I have a lot to absorb from this conversation. I'm glad I've had this opportunity. I'm a pretty cool old dude. I finish up cleaning and prepare myself for bed. There is a king mattress in the floor with old me in it already. I jump under my blankets and wiggle comfortable.

"Will I be rich!?" I ask as I look around and realize I own a cottage.

"Spoilers," he says as he turns out the latern and we fall asleep.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Me...Only Younger

This prompt is me watching my seven-year old self playing and having a good time. It is hard to begin because of all the shame and sadness outnumbers the happy and joyful times. I will start by describing the room that I am in.

My bed is next to my brother's bed. We are living in a two story house. The upstairs area is where our room is. It has sloped ceilings and a good window that I could climb through. There is a cabinet at the head of the bed that separates my bed from my brothers'. At the foot our beds is a cheap, wicker entertainment center where we have a television and a nintendo. I loved playing the nintendo. It was always so much fun to see who would do better. Usually my brother did. He would always gloat about it as well. Mostly in good humor but also to show some dominance. My toys are all lined up in the cabinet by the head of the bed. I could open the cabinet and see that I had the top shelf for my toys and my brother had the bottom shelf. His shelf is so messy and cluttered whereas mine is organized and straightened up. My toys are not lying down but standing up. It is organized by type of toy. For instance, all my action figures are at one end while the "misc" toys are at the other. It was nice to get out on the roof and look out onto the field. During one holiday, there were fireworks coming from the center of town. We didn't get to go but I was able to see some from the roof. The window was right above the cabinet and we had to turn a handle to open it. I use to run through the field in my barefeet to "strengthen" them. The field was full of small plants with thorns. Just a portion of the field was covered in them. I would run through and get stronger everyday. I remember having my brother's respect for that at some point. I was good at hiding my physical pain that way. It was so dirty back in the field. No one ever used it to grow crops or anything. It was just a bunch of dirt. Fun to play in though. My favorite tree was there too. I use to climb that tree so well. I knew all the spots to grab and hide things. When we moved away, I climbed the tree and had a nice long conversation with myself about how I was going to miss it. I would literally spend hours climbing in and out and around that tree. Before I said my final goodbye, I gave it some money and wedged it in really good so that the money would never slip out. I was such a goofy little kid. I was really nice and compassionate as well. I loved giving people gifts. I would spend all my money at Christmas time for gifts for other people and not think about getting me one. I would save and save for months thinking about what to get people.

I suppose what I would bring back from that time would be that sense of compassion and joy in that compassion. Feeling overjoyed at giving something to someone used to be such a great treasure. It seems as though that has all worn away now and gift giving seems more like an obligation. I would also love to climb more trees.