At Rope's End

Last night marked the end of the current relationship between me and Chris. I don't know if it will blossom into a new relationship or not. We had decided that we would spend some time apart. So he took a job contract about 600 km away. He's been there for about two months and last night we came to the big night of what to do about our relationship. We've had two months to think about it and contemplate on what we want in each other. Honestly, I think we over-engineered the process. We complicated matters and topics so much so that it made it difficult to actually think about anything. That's a side point.

The conversation started like any other of our serious talks. I tried to keep us on target of what to talk about. It ended with Chris telling me that it's over. He cried. I remained quiet and contemplative to the outside. Inside, I was roaring with emotion and thoughts on how to keep the relationship. How can I save it from a destructive end? I tried. Like a chess master at a world tournament, my mind raced to see each and every move along with the opposition's moves for a victory. I, then, excused myself to go take a shower. A place for just me and my thoughts. There was something I was missing. I couldn't figure it out. I put the drain cover and laid down in the tub to feel the shower beating on my chest and the water filling the tub around me. What was I missing? Something is not right like a move in the chess game that I couldn't envision. 

Then it hit me, my pride, my dignity, my pervasive narcissism all stood in the way. They all stood at my front door, preventing me from leaving. I wanted to leave. I remembered some words that my best friend told me a few weeks ago. She told me that I needed to open the door to be with him again. I was the one that closed the door and only I could open it. This was all my fault. I thought I hated him. All my pain was being projected out onto him. It switched. I felt love for him again. I felt the transfer of hate back to me. I wasn't projecting anymore. Then the words that Chris was telling me made sense. All the pain, all the frustration were my fault. I was the asshole who plagued his life. He saw something inside of me and loved me because of it. How did I ever miss this?

I began to panic. How can I save this?! My thoughts rushed back a few days ago at a dinner party. A good friend of mine wasn't paying attention to the things around her plate. She was energetically talking and moving her hands. In the middle of a hand movement, she accidentally hit the plate of cookies next to her. They were on a direct trajectory toward the ground. She did a fancy ninja move and ended up grabbing all the cookies and the plate, so nothing perished. She exclaimed loudly, "I'm a hero! I just saved dessert!" Everyone laughed and I chocked up with a "You can't jeopardize the cookies and then save them and call yourself a hero!" More laughter followed with a grumpy look on her face. This was the exact same situation. I'm the one who fumbled the relationship and put it into peril. I can't save the relationship only Chris can save it. The only thing I can do is ask him to. 

I got out of the bath and realized that any pain only begins to heal with an apology. This knot appeared in my entire body trying to prevent me from apologizing. I know that I needed to. I needed to conquer this in order to ask for forgiveness and continue our relationship. The knot welled up more. "It's not my fault, it's not my fault," the knot insisted. That's when I realized that pride, dignity, and pervasive narcissism were standing at my door. I saw them there. They probably have a valid reasoning for standing there. It was probably some old and antiquated defense mechanism from childhood days. I don't know. All I know is that I needed to leave the figurative house. 

I left the bathroom, ready for bed. I closed my emotions off again, instinctively. I went into the bedroom and grabbed a pillow and two blankets. I was going to sleep on the couch and give him the bed. I preferred it that way. He was standing there, semi-crying, telling me that it is fine and that he will sleep on the couch. Standing there in the bedroom holding my linens, I looked at him and felt the surge of freedom from the trio (pride, dignity, and pervasiveness narcissism). The freedom was scary. I didn't know what to do with it. So I apologized, "Hey, listen. I know that I have been a complete ass in the last year and that I've hurt you loads. I'm really, really so very sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you and sorry for treating you horribly." He broke out into more sobs. All this crying makes me shell back up. It triggers something inside of me that goes numb. Again, it is probably some antiquated defense mechanism. He doubled over and sank to the ground in the doorway, sobbing. I walked over, trying to come out of my shell, and pulled his head near my thighs. He sobbed more. I told him, again, that I was so very sorry. After some uncertain amount of minutes, I pulled away and said that I needed some time and needed to go to sleep. It was a little awkward. He came to sit by me on the couch at some point but I was quiet. I didn't know what he was thinking. Was he thinking to change his mind? Would he save the relationship? He eventually left and I fell asleep quickly.

I had some very targeted dreams about the different ways of the relationship ending. I woke up some point in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep as the cats played around me.

When we were both awake, it was really awkward. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat anything. I took a shower almost immediately after he came to sit next to me on the couch again. Perhaps the shower could again give me some clarity by washing away the mud-thick thoughts. Standing there, I thought of nothing, just the impending doom on the relationship. I sank into a sadness. I got out of the shower and muddled around the apartment. The awkwardness was still prevalent. I avoided contact with him in case I said something stupid that would convince him to continue to leave. My mind still racing, I started to make tea. He jumped in the shower. I stood there while the tea steeped but only blank ideas came. I prepared my tea, put on my jacket, and stood out on the snowy balcony. I stood there gazing out on white rooftops and snow-covered grounds. Drinking hot tea in the absolute freezing cold is amazing. The feeling alone of cold and hot. The juxtaposition of the warm house and the freezing balcony. It was all so surreal. I loved him. The thought process came back. My mind started churning out productive, non-looping thoughts. I loved him. I'm so calm and secure when he is around. That's all I need. I don't need a superstar or a socialite. I just need a home with him. 

I felt that surge of freedom again. This time it was strong and brought tears to my eyes. I heard a faint echo in my mind telling me "You need to do this. Not to just ask him to save your relationship but to begin to free yourself from the confines of your life. A freedom from father, a freedom from mother, a freedom to live." Then the echo gave a warning, "You have just created your childhood. Mom and Dad are at an impasse and you are the only one to save it. You are the only one who bring Mom and Dad back together again. Whatever the outcome, blog your thoughts and remember not to let this be cyclical. You needed this to happen, to enlighten you about your feelings, your misdoings, and how much you actually loved him." The echo stopped and I heard its reverberation getting fainter and fainter. What's the next step then, after apology? I had already apologized, sincerely, so pride is taken care of for now. Dignity. That's the next thing at my door. I need to ask for him to save the relationship. Tears came to my eyes again. I need to sincerely ask him. I went back inside.

He came out of the shower and prepared for the day. I was on the couch staring out in nothing. He came into the living room and asked if he should leave and meet up at therapy in a few hours. I remained silent. I knew that I needed to say it then. A very long awkward pause happened. I told him to sit on a stool. He agreed and sat down. The words were not coming up. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever said in my life. All these feelings of fault and pride and dignity welled up in my throat preventing me from speaking. I managed, "I don't want this to be over, this can't be over."  Then the emotions started playing dirty and making me cry. I coughed through them speaking ever so slowly and meticulously, "I've treated you horribly in the past year and I have disappointed you and me. I know that I can change to be the man that you and I want me to be. If this is completely over, know that you haven't hurt me, I have hurt myself." I broke into some sobs and tears. It was painful. The most painful thing I have done. After some cuddling and sobbing, I told him he needs some space to think as do I. So I picked up my computer and headed out. 

Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop wondering what the future will be. Our therapy session begins in 30 minutes. This croissant I'm eating is making me ill. Is it next week yet?

a boy and a lake

There is an image that haunts my very soul. It's a dark image, many silhouettes appear, coming in and out, out of focus. The sound of silence rings in the ears of those who take a view upon the scene.  When sounds do come, they are muted and create no echo. Their existence is short and provide no comfort from the escape of silence. The colors are drab and dull. Grass appears withered and dead while water provides no blue reflection, only that of dirty ponds.

there is a boy sitting at a lake. he is wearing shorts, tennis shoes, and socks that come up past his ankles. he is rather short but he is only a child. his hair is medium in length and somewhat sandy blonde...but dark as well. his shirt is baggy and dirty. he is sitting on the shore of this lake. his expression shows that of disappointment. he is playing with the rocks that are below him. he doesn't seem to be alone but he acts as if he is. he sits there, legs bent, sitting on the ground, looking morose and lifeless. something was taken from him. nothing physical but something that every child should have...a spark....a life force. this child exists without existing. he knows it. he just waits for the next thing. he is filled with disappointment. it isn't disappointment with himself but with someone else. at this stage he holds no disappointment for himself. he is crushed, though. he is utterly crushed. he doesn't cry but just waits. he picks up a rock and slightly hits it on another rock, knowing very well that nothing will happen. he knows the rocks won't break but he continues to do so. the rocks are nice and smooth. the water on the lake is calm and quiet. he is sitting there waiting for something to happen but, secretly, expects it to fail again. he is use to this kind of disappointment. this complete letdown. he doesn't think that he actually deserves to be made happy. he figures that life is just full of letdowns. he stops hitting his rock and crosses his arms over his knees and looks out on the lake. in front of him there is a row boat. it gently sways on the still water. there are two benches and two oars inside this boat. it's been there for quiet some time. the condition of the wood is not good, its protectant coating as long worn off and it splinters to the elements. it is as lonely and disappointed as the boy. it wants someone to validate its use and existence. it wants someone to row across the lake in it. but it sits there, half in the water, half on the shore, tied to a rock. it sits there and slowly dies and no one is watching or realizing what is happening. the boy gazes out on it but doesn't see its weathered condition. all the boy sees is a lost promise, an unfulfilled dream. the boy sees another opportunity to be let down. the boy wants his adventure but doesn't want it alone. his adventures alone provide no validation from the human world. he wants to be accepted. he wants people to recognize him for what he is. instead, he feels overlooked or badly looked upon. if only, he wouldn't be let down and someone would take him over and smile down at him and return his excitement. if only someone would feed into his imagination and help create an adventure of kings. an adventure that would take that rowboat and give it a color of deep golden brown. it's bow would be raised with ornate and elaborate wood workings. its oars would be in the shape of long branches with a leaf at the end. the boat would be the vessel that would take the boy and who he is waiting for to that special place where adventures come true. the boat would be proud to be the boy's boat and would always be looked upon as a vessel of honor and pride. the boy would stand tall at the front of the row boat as it made its way down the clear waters that reflect a beautiful, blue sky. from the waters, the boy would be able to see everything, not just the reflection of the sky but the reflection of time and space and himself. all that in a single reflection and the boat would be sailing through. they would reach the other side of that lake. but that is just what the boy fantasizes for. the reality stings as the boat sits in the quiet, still lake and the boy continues to tap one rock with another, sitting on the shore wondering where his person is.

Naming My Emotions

2 Minutes on each feeling.

I feel Angry...
I feel angry about the way my life is going right now. I'm angry that I don't have the perfect life that I dreamed of as a child. I'm having massive problems in a relationship, I have tons of issues being gay and trying to be happy about being gay, I'm in a career area that I absolutely do not like and I regret so much of what I didn't do growing up. I was not a fun kid and I wish that had the insight as a teenager to explore more and make stupid decisions. I'm angry that I'm always too cautious and have always been too cautious. I'm angry that I feel the need to make everyone around me comfortable. I can't even hold hands with my partner without feeling the shame that I think everyone is giving me.

I feel Sad...
I feel sad that I'm alone. My partner is in a different city on a temporary job contract and I am here alone. We are using this time to work on "us". We are trying to figure out if we should stay together or not. I feel sad that I am superficial and don't find him attractive. I wonder if it is superficiality or if it is just me project how I view myself onto him. My self-esteem is at a major low. No one here finds me attractive, I don't even find me attractive.

I am Afraid...
I am afraid of ending up alone. I fear being alone for the rest of my life; not being able to love anyone or love myself. I am scared of death, very much so. I feel the fear come over me whenever I leave my apartment. I don't want to be out in public, it is all so scary. I am afraid of doing life on my own again. Back to trying to figure out how the world works and paying my bills alone and sending post on my own. I am afraid that I won't be loved, even worse, I suppose, I am afraid that I won't allow anyone to love me.

I am Sorry...
I am sorry to my partner right now that he has to go through all this shit that I am pushing onto him. He probably never signed up for someone who needs to work out their childhood issues. I'm sorry that I make it hard for him and give him seemingly impossible goals like reading my mind. I'm sorry to my mother that I don't call often and keep her informed of my travels abroad. I feel ashamed that my life isn't working out perfectly and she deserves to hear that my life is working out perfectly because that is what she wants. I am sorry to my friends for pushing them away, as I have a habit of doing when people are not physically near me.

I am Frustrated...
I am frustrated that I can't seem to get out of the lazy funk that I am in. Every day I spend a minimum of twenty minutes in bed before I get out. I even tried to get out of bed within five this morning. It's like my bed is an emotional magnet. The more caught up I am in my mind, the more distracted I need to become, so I stay in bed and read my phone forever. I am frustrated that I am stopping myself from going to the gym. It's good for me and I am sure that is why I am stopping myself from doing it. I am frustrated that I can't seem to meet up with new friends.

I am Worried...
I am worried that my life is going to change in the next month or two. I am worried that I will permanently separate from my partner and move on to the next phase in my life. I am worried that I may have contracted some STD in the last few months. I haven't had many sexual partners, three to count in the last 6 months, but I fear that I may have something. I have been reasonably protect. All but one was surely protected and the one I know as an old friend that said he was recently tested. I am worried that life will stay this way.

I am Disappointed...
I am disappointed that I haven't found the area that I am suppose to be in, career-wise. I am frustrated that I have six years of advanced education and I am not doing what I truly want to be doing. I am disappointed in myself that I have let it go on for so long. It's been ten years and all I have is some memories and a reasonable resume. I am disappointed in myself for not truly taking life by the horns and enjoying it. I want to go to the gym.

I am Happy...
I am happy that I have found some people here in the area that I can somewhat talk to. They are beginning to listen and that is truly wonderful. I am happy that my cats are getting weirder and more loving. I am happy that my partner and I still do chat via SMS. I am happy that I understand the technological way the world is moving. I am happy that I have this sense of nerdiness that allows me to appreciate all that is nerd and have that nerdiness infiltrate all areas of my life. I am happy that I am able to live and stay in a foreign land to experience a different world. This is truly something that not everyone is able to do and it is something I have always wanted to do.

I feel Secure...
I feel secure that all will end up the way it will and I will still be alive. I feel secure that even if things do explode in my life in the next few months that I have friends back home that will do more than just welcome me home. They will help me get back on my feet and support me for the rest of my life. I am confident of their love.

I am Grateful...
I am grateful for the wonderful things that I have in my life. For starters, since they are right in front of me, my cats. They love me and each other so much and I am grateful that they are like that. I am grateful for their personalities and for them. I am grateful for my friends both here and back home. "No man is a failure who has friends." They are truly a gift bestowed upon me and I appreciate them. I am grateful for my mother and brother who have endlessly worried about and supported me. They want the best for me and, in their own way, tell me that they miss me.

Taking Stock of My Life

This post is intended to take a look and measure where I am at in my life. This is a very general topic with some probing questions. I will start out with some of the questions.

What is working?
Sometimes I think that nothing is working but when I get a chance to sit and look out into the world from a window, I start to develop a sense of patience and reflection. The window is very important to me; it is very telling and enlightening. As I stare out the window, I realize that my life, generally, works. I am not a horrible mess nor do I have any destructive addictions. I am, mostly, okay. My good friendships work really well. They are there no matter how far away I am or how much time passes before contact. My health is working with me as well. I know some may say that as a "at least" statement but I can say that my weight is maintainable, I have no infectious diseases (that I know of!), nor do I have anything that keeps me from feeling well enough to keep my life going.

What is not working?
My shoulders are not working! I say that in a joking manner but they are irritating. I work at a typing job and I have to sit all day long. Not only does my neck get stiff but my shoulders are achey and sometimes causes headaches. My marriage is currently not working. We are working on it but it seems that it doesn't get better. I feel that my career isn't working either. I do have a well paying job and that is all well and good, however, my overall career seems to be straying from where I want it to be. I am a developer for web applications but my heart currently is in being a librarian. I have my degree for library science but I used that to get my current path of software development.

What is missing in my life?
Friends, family, babies. I really want children but I am in no way in any position to be a parent. A falling through marriage and a non-full-time job makes me put the dreams of being a dad on hold. My friends and family are far away in a different country. I will be going back soon but this is my current state. I suppose more than anything is that emotions are missing from my life. I haven't cried at all for my marriage falling through or for me being so far away. I don't remember what love feels like. I miss compassion.

What are the best three things in my life?
The kittens, circles, and my new job. The kittens are always a source of comfort in my life. They are both perfectly different and loving. It is good to have them around. Circles have my attention as of recently. I can't stop recognizing them in the world. Their very organic shapes goes beyond what we can understand. They are amazingly beautiful. My new job is fun right now, so that is good.

What are the worst three things in my life?
I would say the first is my apartment. I don't like the feeling I get when I am inside of it. Perhaps it is haunted or that all the furniture belongs to the landlord. I don't know exactly but it doesn't feel like a home that is mine and at times it can feel very uncomfortable. Next is the state of my marriage. I lack the ability to appreciate it for what it is. Instead, I fantastize about what the next person will be like. I have this ridiculous concept of some person riding in on a white horse to rescue me from all my troubles and pains.Lastly, I would say that not being able to talk to be at work is bad. They speak a different language and my ability to speak that language is intermediate at best.

What does it feel like to be me?
Mostly sad and alone. I feel I have this nice big bubble layer around me to keep me from experiencing life in all its glory. The bubble layer around me also keeps me from seeing the beautiful colors and shapes and keeps out feelings, good and bad. My passions are quickly extinguished by a lack of interest in society. The oppression that I get from being gay by society tends to make me feel like a goon.

A letter to Chris

Here is a letter to my partner about how I am playing games with him in order to show him what it is like for what he does to me, without knowing he is doing it. I've just realized that it is a passive aggressive attempt at proving a point to him.

Dear Chris,
I am playing games with you and I have just realized it. You like physical affection and like attention. That I know. I also like attention from you and some physical affection. THings turned a while back when you started getting more into technology and I felt that you started to neglect me and our relationship. I became not necessarily secondary to your computer, phone, programming, etc. but that became your escape from me. Well, that is how I started to view your use of technology. We would be in with people or in the middle of dinner and you would pull out your phone to check something. A common sequence of events is that you pull out your phone at the beginning of the meal to take pictures to document the meal. This leads to you wanting to post it on some social media site and that leads you to get somewhat distracted from dinner because now you are reading what is happening on the social media site with all your followers, friends, subscribers, et al. This, after a while, began to feel like you weren't paying attention to me or the situation. You looked bored and as if not enjoying yourself. I didn't know what to do to pull you back into the present, back into what we were doing together. I began to play games with you. I began to start ignoring you in ways in hopes that you would realize how it felt to be ignored and you would then stop ignoring me. That stage never happened. I subconciously thought that you would realize this but logically I understand, now, that it is a passive aggressive way of telling you that I am being hurt. I continued to ignore you in certain aspects (i.e. physical contact, love) still hoping you would get it. Now, I look at it and it seems stupid and ridiculous that I was doing that to you. You can't see that I am being hurt and cannot see, even more, the subtle ways that I have been thinking about how to make you pay attention to me. This is all new to me and I still have plenty to think through and expand on. I suppose the question right now is that if I tell you that you are hurting me by looking at your phone so often, if you could change that behavior.

More later,
Alex

Taking control...

A solid problem that was pointed out to me recently was that I do not take control of my life. This post is about the ways which my passive ways of going about life has caused more problems than avoiding them. Avoiding problems is my default action when dealing with problems.

The Relationship
My partner is a planner and I am not. I feel like I have a good sense of what needs to be planned. I would like overall big things to be planned like work meetings, moving to another country, getting married, or having children. My partner likes to plan each week for cool things we are doing. When we don't have cool things going on, hanging-out plans with friends are created to fill the time. We have only about two days a week to ourselves. I need more. I also need more spontaneous time. But how does one be spontaneous with a planner? Planning spontaneous time seems sketchy. I digress. My passive action in the relationship has created a relationship that I do not like. I am not happy in this relationship where I have no time to myself to allow the spontaneous energy to cultivate. I have created this myseld, though. By remaining passive and by having no feedback on it, my partner goes on to create a life he wants uninterrupted. Had he had feedback, I am quite sure that he would have changed something. He may have not changed it completely or fully to my expectations but at least a compromise would have been created.

Work
Working passively is a mistake for anyone. I have been quite successful in my line of career. I have created excellent and trusthworthy references. I feel, though, I have not worked as I should have. I know that I have much more inside of me to give. This passiveness is dangerous because I am not fulfilling myself at work. I go home each day thinking that I could have done better or that I could have had a better influence on the direction of  my work.

Me and 90-year old self

I wait to meet him in a near empty parking lot next to some wilderness spot. He is already 20 minutes late and I am beginning to get hungry. We have a three hour hike in front of us and I am already getting hungry. I grab some nuts from my snack bag and ravenously shove them in mouth. Salted peanuts are good but too much in one bite and they can easily dry your mouth out. As I begin to chew the peanuts, I worry. I am worried that my 90-year old hiking buddy won't be able to make it the entire hike. He is 90 years old. That is plenty years old. When I finally manage to work the peanuts to the point where they have used up all my saliva, I hear a voice behind me.

"Hey me! I am here," he yells out with a wide smile.

I can't believe how amazing he...er...how amazing I look at the age of 90. I am not frail or sad looking. I am a happy, energetic, go-getting man.

"Sorry I'm late but I am sure that it will be plenty worth it. I saw a wine shop on the way and had to stop in and get something. Don't worry, I will carry it. Also, I brought more than enough instant hot chocolate to last us for years. I figured you would probably just bring the bare minimums, seeing as I know you so very well."

I can't help but smile at him. He does know me quite well. He was me. He knows very well what I am going to be asking him and what I need to know.

We gather our stuff and venture out. Apparently, at the age of 90, I own a small cottage which is a three hour hike in from a parking lot next to the ocean which is about 2 hours away from a city. I give a quiet smile thinking about how gregarious I will be. The hike was beautiful and full of pictures. We stopped every 30 minutes for a picture break and I picked up a few tips on good nature photos from the old man. He told me that we get into nature photography at some point focusing on animals and birds, birds especially. I find it a little odd seeing as how I only want to take pictures of squirrels.

After quite a long while, we arrive at "Château de Alexander",  a lovely little handpainted sign tells me that. It is an extremely cozy cabin, in every sense of the word "cozy". It is small with only one gigantic room separated by  changing screens. There are no chairs in the cottage. "I feel that when I bring people up here and they are forced to sit on the comfy pillows on the ground, they become so much more comfortable, so much faster. At the end of their stay, they are raving about how great it was to 'camp' out and only have pillows to sit on," he explains.

He announces that it is time for dinner. I pull out my freeze-dried instant meals and we prepare them and eat. Even though I am talking to my future self, I am still a little shy. He seems to pick up on that and we only talk about the cottage, the hike and the pictures we took for a good long while. He takes me outside while it is still daylight and starts showing me around his garden. And by garden, I mean a two-seater swing peering out into the wilderness. He tells me that in the morning the deer come over and are really friendly, as long as we are on the swing. The moment someone stands up or someone isn't on the swing, the deer run away and don't return until the next morning. I become quite excited for the possibility of seeing deer close up. After a good sit on the swing, we go back inside to start our dialog, the dialog we were intended to have.

He puts on the water, in what I consider the largest pot possible. He looks over at me staring and laughs saying that we like hot water and will more than likely go through it all. He takes out the boxes of tea and hot chocolate from his bag. He is totally me. I get so happy when I see him do that that I rush over and inspect the bounty. Earl Grey, Lemongrass, Ginger, Cherry, Keemun Black! After he sees me he starts to say as I join him in unison "Keemun Black - Ginger!" We are the same. No doubt about it now. My guard is completely let down now. He grabs the wine and has me open it while he gets the fancy wine glasses from the cupboard. He tells me to pour him a glass and goes over in the pillow circle and makes himself comfortable. "The fancy looking glasses are plastic, I love me," I think to myself as I get the glasses ready. I go over and hand him both glasses as I flop down and prepare my own little spot. He hands me my glass back and says, "this is where we begin."

"What would you have me know?" I start.

"Only that you need to get over yourself and stat. Your entire life you have been somewhat a taker. You haven't given enough back. In conversation, you only listen and are scared to talk to people. You are an amazing person and you have to believe me on that one. It is time for you to start demanding."

"What things could I do or experience that would have the most positive impact on my life?

"Start meditating and practicing yoga. Trust me, it will help. I am talking about a personal practice. It is fine if you want to go to a class here and there but you need to set yourself up a home, personal practice. This needs to be for you and not have someone else do it for you. You need the discipline to do it yourself. That would be the best start for you."

"Will that actually help me?"

"More than you know. We need the serenity from the mind. We need to break the mind into calming itself and loving itself. Only intention to love will do that. Everything you need to know, is already inside of you, you just have to let it out," he says as he pokes my heart.

"Are you talking about my inner child?"

"And your inner teenager, and your inner 25-year old, and your inner 35-year old, and so on. Learning about these stages in your life is fantastic and learning to live together is the best. You are avoiding a pain that is not going to kill you. Now finding that pain, I remember how hard that was."

"Can you tell me what that pain was and where to find it?"

"No, that would be cheating. Part of the pain is discovering it yourself. Feeling it yourself. "

"Will I be married and have children at your age?"

"How old are you again? Oh yes, you are going through something right now with Chris, right? It is amazing how time heals so many wounds. Not just passive time, but the assertive, active time."

"Are you not going to answer my last question," I wink.

"No." He smiles back.

"What can I do about Chris, then?"

"Give it a try. Seriously. This is where you need to start being demanding. If you aren't demanding, then you are going to have a world of pain and hurt. Just smile, inside, and give it a go. Accept the fact that you are letting your inner child take over when you are dealing with him. You don't want to give him attention because he consistently asks for it in his own inner child-hurt ways. You two as children, would never get along. As adults, well, I wouldn't want to give you spoilers."

"You are something else, you know that?"

"Hahaha! You just wait! You'll get yours." He says as he gets up to make some Keemun Black - Ginger tea.

"How can I learn to acknowledge the child-like actions?"

"Mindfulness. You have to stop autospeaking and start mindful talking. It is going to be difficult, tedious, and time consuming but it is worth it. Like how you are learning German right now. You are thinking of what you want to say and then you have to go over if you can say that in German. It's the same thing with mindful speaking. Think of what you want to say, go over if that is what you actually want to say and then say it. And no, I'm not going to talk German with you."

"So not fair that you have already experienced this conversation."

"Someday you will have it again as well!" He hands me my cup of tea.

"Smells great! Will I be happy?"

"Oh yes, you will be. You know that feeling inside that screams for being someone else? Well it shuts up. That is how happy we are."

"How does that voice go away?"

"You see someone one day and this person inspires you. The good thing is that instead of being fleeting like the other guys you see, it's permanent. We see this man in the mirror. We are our own inspiration."

"Talking to you is like reading a self-help book!" I chuckle.

"And you are quickly on your way to sounding the same."

"Do you like the way you look?"

"I love the way I look. Sometimes I spend an extra few minutes looking in the mirror in awe at me. Not because I think I am some young twink that is oh so sexy, buy because I am perfect for me. Look at how much we look alike but how different we are! Life is incredible and I am happy to have looked like you and now like this."

"What about amazing sex?"

"It's just for stories. Doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things."

"How do you view humanity?"

"Like they are, such great potential. Everyone, honestly, is so very beautiful. They all make different decisions and love different things and they MOVE! Humans are so incredible."

"Time for the meaning of life."

"You came up with something when you were around 9 years old. It still stands. The meaning of life is to live. We were quite a brilliant child, weren't we?"

"Yeah, we were. Still think you are a Buddhist Sage reincarnated?"

"Hahahaa!"

"Well?!"

"I was so funny."

"Apparently, I still am."

"Listen, kid, it's time to go to sleep. We've been at this for a while and regardless of what you think, I still am really old and need sleep."

"I figured. You have sleepy bedtime eyes. I will clean up here. You go get ready for bed."

I start cleaning up and hear the old me in the bathroom fumbling around. I have a lot to absorb from this conversation. I'm glad I've had this opportunity. I'm a pretty cool old dude. I finish up cleaning and prepare myself for bed. There is a king mattress in the floor with old me in it already. I jump under my blankets and wiggle comfortable.

"Will I be rich!?" I ask as I look around and realize I own a cottage.

"Spoilers," he says as he turns out the latern and we fall asleep.