Thursday, January 2, 2014

a boy and a lake

There is an image that haunts my very soul. It’s a dark image, many silhouettes appear, coming in and out, out of focus. The sound of silence rings in the ears of those who take a view upon the scene.  When sounds do come, they are muted and create no echo. Their existence is short and provide no comfort from the escape of silence. The colors are drab and dull. Grass appears withered and dead while water provides no blue reflection, only that of dirty ponds.

there is a boy sitting at a lake. he is wearing shorts, tennis shoes, and socks that come up past his ankles. he is rather short but he is only a child. his hair is medium in length and somewhat sandy blonde…but dark as well. his shirt is baggy and dirty. he is sitting on the shore of this lake. his expression shows that of disappointment. he is playing with the rocks that are below him. he doesn’t seem to be alone but he acts as if he is. he sits there, legs bent, sitting on the ground, looking morose and lifeless. something was taken from him. nothing physical but something that every child should have…a spark….a life force. this child exists without existing. he knows it. he just waits for the next thing. he is filled with disappointment. it isn’t disappointment with himself but with someone else. at this stage he holds no disappointment for himself. he is crushed, though. he is utterly crushed. he doesn’t cry but just waits. he picks up a rock and slightly hits it on another rock, knowing very well that nothing will happen. he knows the rocks won’t break but he continues to do so. the rocks are nice and smooth. the water on the lake is calm and quiet. he is sitting there waiting for something to happen but, secretly, expects it to fail again. he is use to this kind of disappointment. this complete letdown. he doesn’t think that he actually deserves to be made happy. he figures that life is just full of letdowns. he stops hitting his rock and crosses his arms over his knees and looks out on the lake. in front of him there is a row boat. it gently sways on the still water. there are two benches and two oars inside this boat. it’s been there for quiet some time. the condition of the wood is not good, its protectant coating as long worn off and it splinters to the elements. it is as lonely and disappointed as the boy. it wants someone to validate its use and existence. it wants someone to row across the lake in it. but it sits there, half in the water, half on the shore, tied to a rock. it sits there and slowly dies and no one is watching or realizing what is happening. the boy gazes out on it but doesn’t see its weathered condition. all the boy sees is a lost promise, an unfulfilled dream. the boy sees another opportunity to be let down. the boy wants his adventure but doesn’t want it alone. his adventures alone provide no validation from the human world. he wants to be accepted. he wants people to recognize him for what he is. instead, he feels overlooked or badly looked upon. if only, he wouldn’t be let down and someone would take him over and smile down at him and return his excitement. if only someone would feed into his imagination and help create an adventure of kings. an adventure that would take that rowboat and give it a color of deep golden brown. it’s bow would be raised with ornate and elaborate wood workings. its oars would be in the shape of long branches with a leaf at the end. the boat would be the vessel that would take the boy and who he is waiting for to that special place where adventures come true. the boat would be proud to be the boy’s boat and would always be looked upon as a vessel of honor and pride. the boy would stand tall at the front of the row boat as it made its way down the clear waters that reflect a beautiful, blue sky. from the waters, the boy would be able to see everything, not just the reflection of the sky but the reflection of time and space and himself. all that in a single reflection and the boat would be sailing through. they would reach the other side of that lake. but that is just what the boy fantasizes for. the reality stings as the boat sits in the quiet, still lake and the boy continues to tap one rock with another, sitting on the shore wondering where his person is.

Me and my 90-year old self


I wait to meet him in a near empty parking lot next to some wilderness spot. He is already 20 minutes late and I am beginning to get hungry. We have a three hour hike in front of us and I am already getting hungry. I grab some nuts from my snack bag and ravenously shove them in mouth. Salted peanuts are good but too much in one bite and they can easily dry your mouth out. As I begin to chew the peanuts, I worry. I am worried that my 90-year old hiking buddy won’t be able to make it the entire hike. He is 90 years old. That is plenty years old. When I finally manage to work the peanuts to the point where they have used up all my saliva, I hear a voice behind me.

“Hey me! I am here,” he yells out with a wide smile.

I can’t believe how amazing he…er…how amazing I look at the age of 90. I am not frail or sad looking. I am a happy, energetic, go-getting man.

“Sorry I’m late but I am sure that it will be plenty worth it. I saw a wine shop on the way and had to stop in and get something. Don’t worry, I will carry it. Also, I brought more than enough instant hot chocolate to last us for years. I figured you would probably just bring the bare minimums, seeing as I know you so very well.”

I can’t help but smile at him. He does know me quite well. He was me. He knows very well what I am going to be asking him and what I need to know.

We gather our stuff and venture out. Apparently, at the age of 90, I own a small cottage which is a three hour hike in from a parking lot next to the ocean which is about 2 hours away from a city. I give a quiet smile thinking about how gregarious I will be. The hike was beautiful and full of pictures. We stopped every 30 minutes for a picture break and I picked up a few tips on good nature photos from the old man. He told me that we get into nature photography at some point focusing on animals and birds, birds especially. I find it a little odd seeing as how I only want to take pictures of squirrels.

After quite a long while, we arrive at “Château de Alexander”,  a lovely little handpainted sign tells me that. It is an extremely cozy cabin, in every sense of the word “cozy”. It is small with only one gigantic room separated by  changing screens. There are no chairs in the cottage. “I feel that when I bring people up here and they are forced to sit on the comfy pillows on the ground, they become so much more comfortable, so much faster. At the end of their stay, they are raving about how great it was to ‘camp’ out and only have pillows to sit on,” he explains.

He announces that it is time for dinner. I pull out my freeze-dried instant meals and we prepare them and eat. Even though I am talking to my future self, I am still a little shy. He seems to pick up on that and we only talk about the cottage, the hike and the pictures we took for a good long while. He takes me outside while it is still daylight and starts showing me around his garden. And by garden, I mean a two-seater swing peering out into the wilderness. He tells me that in the morning the deer come over and are really friendly, as long as we are on the swing. The moment someone stands up or someone isn’t on the swing, the deer run away and don’t return until the next morning. I become quite excited for the possibility of seeing deer close up. After a good sit on the swing, we go back inside to start our dialog, the dialog we were intended to have.

He puts on the water, in what I consider the largest pot possible. He looks over at me staring and laughs saying that we like hot water and will more than likely go through it all. He takes out the boxes of tea and hot chocolate from his bag. He is totally me. I get so happy when I see him do that that I rush over and inspect the bounty. Earl Grey, Lemongrass, Ginger, Cherry, Keemun Black! After he sees me he starts to say as I join him in unison “Keemun Black – Ginger!” We are the same. No doubt about it now. My guard is completely let down now. He grabs the wine and has me open it while he gets the fancy wine glasses from the cupboard. He tells me to pour him a glass and goes over in the pillow circle and makes himself comfortable. “The fancy looking glasses are plastic, I love me,” I think to myself as I get the glasses ready. I go over and hand him both glasses as I flop down and prepare my own little spot. He hands me my glass back and says, “this is where we begin.”

“What would you have me know?” I start.

“Only that you need to get over yourself and stat. Your entire life you have been somewhat a taker. You haven’t given enough back. In conversation, you only listen and are scared to talk to people. You are an amazing person and you have to believe me on that one. It is time for you to start demanding.”

“What things could I do or experience that would have the most positive impact on my life?

“Start meditating and practicing yoga. Trust me, it will help. I am talking about a personal practice. It is fine if you want to go to a class here and there but you need to set yourself up a home, personal practice. This needs to be for you and not have someone else do it for you. You need the discipline to do it yourself. That would be the best start for you.”

“Will that actually help me?”

“More than you know. We need the serenity from the mind. We need to break the mind into calming itself and loving itself. Only intention to love will do that. Everything you need to know, is already inside of you, you just have to let it out,” he says as he pokes my heart.

“Are you talking about my inner child?”

“And your inner teenager, and your inner 25-year old, and your inner 35-year old, and so on. Learning about these stages in your life is fantastic and learning to live together is the best. You are avoiding a pain that is not going to kill you. Now finding that pain, I remember how hard that was.”

“Can you tell me what that pain was and where to find it?”

“No, that would be cheating. Part of the pain is discovering it yourself. Feeling it yourself. ”

“Will I be married and have children at your age?”

“How old are you again? Oh yes, you are going through something right now with Chris, right? It is amazing how time heals so many wounds. Not just passive time, but the assertive, active time.”

“Are you not going to answer my last question,” I wink.

“No.” He smiles back.

“What can I do about Chris, then?”

“Give it a try. Seriously. This is where you need to start being demanding. If you aren’t demanding, then you are going to have a world of pain and hurt. Just smile, inside, and give it a go. Accept the fact that you are letting your inner child take over when you are dealing with him. You don’t want to give him attention because he consistently asks for it in his own inner child-hurt ways. You two as children, would never get along. As adults, well, I wouldn’t want to give you spoilers.”

“You are something else, you know that?”

“Hahaha! You just wait! You’ll get yours.” He says as he gets up to make some Keemun Black – Ginger tea.

“How can I learn to acknowledge the child-like actions?”

“Mindfulness. You have to stop autospeaking and start mindful talking. It is going to be difficult, tedious, and time consuming but it is worth it. Like how you are learning German right now. You are thinking of what you want to say and then you have to go over if you can say that in German. It’s the same thing with mindful speaking. Think of what you want to say, go over if that is what you actually want to say and then say it. And no, I’m not going to talk German with you.”

“So not fair that you have already experienced this conversation.”

“Someday you will have it again as well!” He hands me my cup of tea.

“Smells great! Will I be happy?”

“Oh yes, you will be. You know that feeling inside that screams for being someone else? Well it shuts up. That is how happy we are.”

“How does that voice go away?”

“You see someone one day and this person inspires you. The good thing is that instead of being fleeting like the other guys you see, it’s permanent. We see this man in the mirror. We are our own inspiration.”

“Talking to you is like reading a self-help book!” I chuckle.

“And you are quickly on your way to sounding the same.”

“Do you like the way you look?”

“I love the way I look. Sometimes I spend an extra few minutes looking in the mirror in awe at me. Not because I think I am some young twink that is oh so sexy, buy because I am perfect for me. Look at how much we look alike but how different we are! Life is incredible and I am happy to have looked like you and now like this.”

“What about amazing sex?”

“It’s just for stories. Doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.”

“How do you view humanity?”

“Like they are, such great potential. Everyone, honestly, is so very beautiful. They all make different decisions and love different things and they MOVE! Humans are so incredible.”

“Time for the meaning of life.”

“You came up with something when you were around 9 years old. It still stands. The meaning of life is to live. We were quite a brilliant child, weren’t we?”

“Yeah, we were. Still think you are a Buddhist Sage reincarnated?”

“Hahahaa!”

“Well?!”

“I was so funny.”

“Apparently, I still am.”

“Listen, kid, it’s time to go to sleep. We’ve been at this for a while and regardless of what you think, I still am really old and need sleep.”

“I figured. You have sleepy bedtime eyes. I will clean up here. You go get ready for bed.”

I start cleaning up and hear the old me in the bathroom fumbling around. I have a lot to absorb from this conversation. I’m glad I’ve had this opportunity. I’m a pretty cool old dude. I finish up cleaning and prepare myself for bed. There is a king mattress in the floor with old me in it already. I jump under my blankets and wiggle comfortable.

“Will I be rich!?” I ask as I look around and realize I own a cottage.

“Spoilers,” he says as he turns out the latern and we fall asleep.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Saga of the Boy

2002-10-28 22:30
“who am I?” he said quietly as the time passed by so quickly he didn’t notice. “you are who you are” said the mysterious voice that resonated from all sides of his existance. “what am i here to learn?” the boy said with a faint quiver in his voice. “you are here to learn lonliness,” the voice echoed. “but why? why am i created to simply learn a simple lesson? a lesson so simple and so cruel. do you know what it is like to desire someone so badly not just for a lustful purpose, but a purpose solely on friendship?” the boy studdered. “you have brought this upon yourself and you should accept this lesson and live accordingly.” the voice said. “i don’t want to live in a shadow of love. i want to be loved. i give it out to the needy and the confused. it’s hard to continue to love…i’m forgetting how to do it,” the boy said almost inaudible. “your love is profound and heart is endless. you are simply too much,” the voice shouted. “too much?” the boy whispered under his breath. “too much for everyone. your voice shakes the ground and your thoughts tear the land. your love is so wrapped up on the chaos that you have created,” the voice insisted. “my love is wrapped up on the chaos?” the boy said as tears ran down his cheek. “your love is so wrapped up in your petty emotions that you do not show your love outwardly,” the voice rang. “but i have so much of it. i thought people could see,” the boy shouted out to the blackness. “all of that effort and you have done nothing boy. your petty existance is simply an example of what the human race has done to itself. it has wrapped themselves up. you are lucky boy. you know love. i see it in you. you know what it is like. many don’t see that. they don’t feel what you feel. they can’t see what you see. others have taken their existance and clouded reality so all they see is themselves. you are different. you see others, love others, but you can’t show that nor will you ever show that,” the voice lectured. “will someone hold me if i cry? when i cry? will i always feel the embrace of the cold?” the boy questioned, hoping for warmth. “no. no one will hold you, you are alone,” the voice finished.

2002-10-30 23:34
the boy’s guests left. he looked around and thought how his life could change. the boy closed the door and rested his head upon it as he locked it. he sighed heavily. “that could be the last time you speak to them normally,” the voice rumbled. “i know. i don’t want things change,” the boy said. “things are most likely to change,” the voice insisted. “i have so much though. will it all be destroyed?” the boy questioned hoping for a glimpse of light. “yes,” the voice stated matter-of-factly. “what have i done? what have i created?” the boy whimpered. “you have failed your guests. they gave without taking but you weren’t taking what they were giving,” the voice lectured. “i tried. i really thought i was learning,” the boy countered. he lifted his head from the door and heard the distant conversation of his guests leaving. “will i see them again?” the boy asked. “not like you do now. either it will be changed forever or the fear will grow and ruin it all,” the voice yelled. “nothing good can happen? i can’t believe that…i won’t believe that. some things are meant to be!” the boy argued. “you have betrayed all that you knew and loved. everything that you cherished has gone up in smoke and all you can do is sit there and challenge me to what i say. you know that i am right boy. your love cannot save you from this,” the voice said firmly. “it has to save me. another chance perhaps. that is all i need,” the boy studdered, on the verge of tears. “you have ruined your life. after the day, no one will be close to you. you will be alone, i promise you tha,” the voice finished. the boy sat there as the night crept upon him. the beauty of the sunset dissipated by the rising of the moonless sky. tears filled his eyes as his mind began sweeping away reality.

2002-11-05 14:37
the boy was sitting down thinking and the voice shouted out “you are bound.” the boy tried to stand up and move around “why do you do this to me? why do you keep me here? are you scared that i will leave you?” “no. i dream of the day when i do not have to see you anymore. just as the people around you, i am annoyed by you,” the voice insulted. “why then. why do you shackle me down?” the boy pleaded. “i have not done anything of the sorts. you have done it all.” “why would i have bound myself?” the boy inquired. “you do it in fear of the truth that you seek,” the voice answered. “i do not fear the truth. i open up to the truth of the world and the spirits around me,” said the boy. “answer this then boy. why are you shackled?” the voice insisted. the boy remained silent. “you don’t know boy. HA HA HA. you have only made your life worse. you have begun down a path that you cannot turn back on now. the darkness that envelops you is your own vice. the darkness seeks those who seek what you seek,” the voice lectured. “my journey is not over. i will go forward and i will find what i am looking for,” the boy shouted. “no. you are shackled boy. you are shackled to the place where you reside now. you cannot progress. this darkness will remain,” the voice rumbled. “i will progress. i’ll find the answer,” the boy mumbled. “how do you feel boy?” the voice asked. “i feel sad, alone, desparate, worthless, stupid,” the boy responded quickly. “that is how you will remain boy. there is nothing that can come close to helping you. even if you get what you are looking for, the path that you are on is full of suffering and sorrow. every soul that ventured down this path became as you are now. very few reached the end,” the voice commented. “i can make it to the end. i’m expecting to make it,” the boy said. “listen boy. you are shackled and you have your desires. to overcome those, you need to overcome yourself. you lack any skills necessary to do so,” the voice remarked. “i will find a way” the boy retorted. “Boy! you came seeking the truth blind. your existance cannot see in this realm. you will wander until you are forever lost. open your eyes and see the day in your own world. you do not belong here,” the voice threatened. “i have opened my eyes in my own world. i see much more than you know. my world is full of suffering. there is many people dying and mourning, starving and hating. i seek the truth in hope of bettering my people,” the boy said definatly. “yet you are bound and cannot move. your people will continue to suffer and you will be lost. i have warned you boy. your existance will be forever lost and you will never see another essence again. your sadness and suffering will cage you. a world of darkness will you forever live in,” the voice ended.

2003-10-21 22:03
the air was thick and cold. the boy stood there yearning to not be there yet he felt weirdly at home in the white air. it gave him somewhere to hide when he needed to but still he didn’t want to be there. he didn’t want to be in the comfort of what he had. he wanted something else, something he knew he needed from deep within himself. the voice crackled with lack of energy. “you cannot defeat me, boy. i will always return as i have done now,” the voice trailed off. its energy was clearly depleted as if it had just fought its way out of hell. “i still do not want to speak to you,” the boy looked behind him and saw the foggy air glow like a light was in the distance. he was puzzled by this. he for sure knew that he was alone. he made sure that he was alone. he started walking toward the light determined to know what it was that followed him. “boy, do not go. what you will see you will not like,” the voice muttered. the boy ignored the voice and continued toward the faint light. hour upon hour the boy crept slowly upon the light. the air warmed around the boy as the boy noticed he was stepping in water. “this light is close, i know it,” the boy commented under his breath. the voice lacking energy could not hear the boys words. the boy walked out just a little further until he was up to his waist in water and that is where he found it. the water and air around him were perfectly warm but what he saw made him terribly sad. everything that had ever happened to him rushed to him and he was once again haunted by the symbol which he saw engraved in the thick fog. “you can never escape your path. you are one who will never forget and never forgive yourself for your life. you hate it, you want something you don’t have. no matter how far you travel or how alone you may be, you can never get away from yourself,” the voice cracked through the fog “welcome back.”

2004-03-23 10:36
the cold sun grew dark. the light on the land started to fade. darkness took hold of everything that it could. the boy stopped walking on the path that he was on and looked behind him. he could see the darkness quickly covering his tracks and racing toward him. the light ahead of him seemed like a beacon calling him to safety. he ran. he ran so fast toward the light. he didn’t look back anymore. he just wanted to stay in the slight warmth of the light. “boy, what do you think you are doing? you know that you can’t outrun the darkness. it isn’t happening because of the land. it is happening because of you. you are the cause of all the darkness. it will forever follow you and cast its shadow upon your life and soul. forever plagued will you be with the coldness. the light that you see in front of you is an illusion. something you will never be able to obtain. you’ll run toward it forever, never getting to stay. look behind you. that is your life. you were born into the darkness and you will constantly return there,” the voice calmly stated seeming to constantly be in front of the boy.”i can’t believe that,” the boy responded in a staggering voice, running out of breath, “i can’t have that be my life. i need more. i need to feel that warmth on my skin. i need to have the light.” the boy continued to run as the voice he heard laughed behind him. the boy glanced behind him and the shadow on the ground was gaining on him. he whipped back around running as hard as he had ran before. his heart beat faster than usual, not just because of the running but also because of the panic that set in. his legs started giving out. stumbling for what was in front of him, the boy tripped and was thrown face first in the ground. the boy struggled to get to his feet. he glanced behind him and saw the shadow covering everything, approaching him quickly and mercilessly. he sprinted with every last ounce of energy looking back to see the darkness spread behind him. the light once covered where he was looking, the boy’s heart grew cold at the thought. all those beautiful things that the boy enjoyed were covered in a sea of gloom. looking to where he was, he couldn’t think of how things were, instead he only thought of the shadow looming about it all. the boy looked forward and ran into the stone side of a well. he tripped over and the force behind his running sent him into the depths of the damp confined area. it was a long drop. he looked up on the way down and saw the shadow cover the last bit of light. the boy’s world was lost, consumed by darkness. “Why do you still deny what I say to be the truth, boy?” the voice angerly nagged. “I have told you countless times that your life is worthless and nothing that you dream of will ever manifest itself. you are destined to walk the path that you see behind you. Just accept it!” Screaming down the hollow abyss, the boy managed to get out some words “i can’t. i can’t let go of what my heart wants…” With a splash, the boy stopped falling. Sounds ceased to exist as he plunged into a thick black substance. on the pain of hitting the sludge he lost sight of which way was up. The boy tore through the thick ooze as it slowly started to fill his mouth. The boy could not take that feeling. Soon he would breath in and suffocate on the overwhelming darkness. The boy struggled and ripped through the substance to try and find a way out of this shadow.

2004-03-28 22:50
the dark sludge started to fill his lungs. the boy breathed the rest of his air out in an attempt to keep it back. it continued to ooze in. the boys heart started to beat faster as he felt the sludge overtake him. lost in a sea and not knowing which way was up, the boy ripped through the thick substance to reach a sanctuary. his arms started to grow tired when an echo rang through the darkness “boy, give up! the time has come. just take a deep breath and take in your fate. accept it for what it is and do it in dignity. you are only fooling yourself and making yourself look like an idiot. if anyone cared, boy, wouldn’t they be here to help you?” unable to speak the boy nodded in agreement. there were no arms reaching in the sea to help him. there was no one next to him helping him to accept his fate. he was alone and was alone for so long. he had done and been through so much without anyone. the boy has roamed aimlessly through the land searching for something he had no idea of. the boy closed his eyes, his end was near. “do it in dignity,” rang through his head as he opened his mouth and prepared for the end. memories rushed through his head. everything he had experienced seemed so much better than where he was. his future looking bleak, he continued to reflect before that last moment where he would inhale and accept his fate. he felt the thick liquid move to the back of his throat and start to consume his entire being.

2004-04-11 00:52
“no, no! I hate you!” the boy said ripping his way through the thick dark sludge. his heart was beating fast and his arms were working fiercly to find his exit. the dark sludge continued to ooze down his throat slowing working its way down. the boy thrashed about red from anger. his anger fueled him as he searched for an exit. he found it. the subtle laughing of the booming voice grew silent as the boy leaped onto a ledge out of the sludge that surrounded him. his body completely covered with darkness. “jump back in stupid boy,” the voice started “you have no clue where you are. you have never been here before and you do not want to be here. your anger has lead you here. jump back and end it, boy, or be stuck here.” the boy coughed hard to try and get the sludge to flee. the voice was right, the boy had no idea where he was or if he wanted to be there. the boy continued to cough. his heart began to beat hard and loud. he could feel each beat in every part of his body. the blood ran deep and strong and flushed the surface of the skin with a redness so hot it nearly melted the sludge off. “darkness will always loom, boy. don’t forget that. you may lose track of it but it waits for you in every corner.” the boy stood up still a little disoriented from what he just went through. the images he had of that land that made him happy and shine were so distant. he couldn’t recall any of them. he just remembered that once he was happy somewhere. he looked forward to where he was going now, the only way he could see, and felt his face grow hot has he clenched his fists and grinded his teeth. alone with the voice stalking about, he started walking.

2005-05-16 14:01
wary of his surroundings, the boy continued through the darkness. feeling ever so slowly the rock walls that were around him. they felt damp and cold. the cold even penetrated him as he walked shivering. there were no beacons of light anywhere and the path seemed endless and despairing. he had no hope left in finding a way out of this mess. he had only his drenched clothes to rely on and the hopes that the voice would never be heard again. he no longed panicked for when he did, it did nothing to help the situation. he grew numb and apathetic. he forgot that there was life outside of where he was, he forgot that somewhere someone was thinking about him. in the midst of tracing the rock walls with his fingers, he stumbled and fell. he didn’t think that he fell very far but after standing up, he could not find the wall that he was following. it seemed like a huge opening somewhere with no walls. he sat down and a teard came to his eyes. frustrated, he wiped his eyes and closed him. he started thinking and remembered his youth. it was filled with so much light and hope. his faith was so strong back then. he wanted that feeling back. he wanted the heart of his childhood. he wanted so badly to just look at something and see greatness pouring from it. he remembered meeting others back then and smiling at them. they would smile back with warmth. he needed that now. he needed someone to smile for him. he thought that if he would smile it could help. so he did. more memories rushed back. he remembered how his imagination would runaway with him leaving reality a magical place. he clenched his fists concentrating incredibly hard to just feel how it was back then. he focused so hard and with his eyes shut imagined where he was. he saw darkness, only darkness. he didn’t want darkness, he wanted light, he wanted faith. a pinpoint of light came to his imagination. it came from the rock ceiling. it grew larger in diameter and with a huge crash the rock ceiling smashed down flooding the cavern with light. the tunnels all lit up showing ever crevice, every single detail of rocks. warmth followed the light. he sat there just taking it all in. all this greatness. he looked around and saw where he fell from and he realized he was right. he was in the middle of the cavern. he saw the tunnels around him and decided to follow the one that was the brightest. there was a large clattering and the boy opened his eyes. there was darkness and a familiar voice laughing at him, “boy, don’t be ridiculous! you need to focus on what is at hand. do you realize you are lost in a cavernous maze, boy? do you realize you are going to die down here? get out of your head, boy, and focus on what is really happening.” the boy’s faith was destroyed and realized the voice was correct. the boy stood up and started feeling along. a smirk came to his face. he shall go in the direction of the brightest light he saw. the boy’s hope remained.

2006-04-10 12:07
the boy scurried along the water beaten shore line ever so cautiously in the darkness of night. he forgot what he was running from but all he remembered is that he was running for a reason. he could not stop at any point to catch his breath for if he did, he feared that his past may come back to wreak havoc upon his soul. what was he running from though? he thought about this as he huffed and hacked his lungs, walking through the watery banks. the voice that he had so much hated his entire life finally seemed to be routing for him. it was a new arena for him as the paranoia inside grew from the support of the voice that once taunted, teased, and harassed him. a long life enemy immediately turned to friend. the boy trampled on, continuing where he had no idea. his future was unknown and his heart was losing hope. the voice tried to calm him down, “boy, i know that i have never been on good terms with you. but you must stop and rest. you are going to kill yourself if you don’t.” the boy picked his pace up at once – defying the ever so present voice. “BOY! Listen! There is nothing behind you, you are running nowhere quickly because you are afraid of your past. Just stop and realize what is going on. Just BREATH!” The boy ignored his statement and continued. the sound of the waves crashing against the shore echoed through the night. looking to his left the boy could see the darkness of the sea. during the day, the sea seemed more like a friend, providing company other than the voice. during the night, however, the sea turned dark and frightening. the darknening abyss occassionally roared through the sky as the rocks become horribly punished by the fierce pounding. the voice urged him to stop and rest and rethink his path. the sea was growing more and more fierce as the night progressed and the waves started to reach the boy. the voice was concerned. in one catastrophic second, the boy was slammed against the rocks by the sea and pulled out into the dark abyss. partially unconscious, the boy went into shock. his eyes grew heavy as he pulled toward the surface. he felt the air escape his lungs and darkness surround his pupils. the darkness continued to attack his vision as he felt himself slipping away. the boy, in a state of hysteria, saw a light at the surface of the ocean. through the light came a radiant hand reaching for the boy. “finally,” the boy thought as darkness continued to creep inside of him “after all my searching, someone has come to rescue me. all this fighting, all this conflict was not in vain!” with his hope accumulating, the darkness began to fade from his vision. with all his remaining strength, the boy reach toward his saving grace. the hand that reached for him was so beautiful. it shone throughout the entire sea, lighting up every crevice, every nook and cranny. again the sea came to be full of life and was once again his friend. the hand was so beautiful and strong. the boy’s heart filled with love for this saving grace and he continued his reach toward the hand. in one astounding second, he made it to the hand and began to grasp it. his heart broke. his entire life just melted as instantly his hope vanished. the hand melted away right before him and the sea became void of all light. “there is no one to save you, boy” the voice started. this comment gave the boy a small amount of satisfaction as his trust in the voice was well put. he felt proud to not have listened to the voice this entire time. But the voice continued, “listen boy! there is no one here to save you! you must save yourself! find that faith and hope in yourself and your energy! it is inside of you. i see it now.” the boy’s emotions flooded with confusion. he had no idea what he was feeling. the sorrow that the boy felt began to leave him as other emotions, once clouded by his self-pity, began to be made clear. there was his confidence. he felt it as well as the anger that he had, not for himself, but toward the injustices in the world. the sorrow and self-pity were still there but they were equal amongst all the other emotions. his heart began to trust the voice for the advice of the voice was sincere. all these emotions he felt, rushed to his head as panic set in. he had to save himself. his struggle had not ended, it only began.

2006-06-13
“hurry!” the voice hastened. the boy still felt odd listening to the voice as a source of advice. the boy had begun to put some trust in the voice. he scurried the dark, jagged rocks looking for solid ground. the darkness was so thick, the boy could not see his own hands. blindly feeling around, the boy journeyed as quick as he could. the voice would not tell the boy the reason to hurry but the tone and inflections in the voice gave boy reasoning enough. “there!” cried the voice, “we found it!” the boy turned his head in every direction and finally caught glimpse of what the voice was leading him to. there was a faint glimmer of light off in the distance which indicated flat land. “we found what you’ve been looking for, my friend,” the voice said. “you were right about where to go, voice, i dont’ know what to repay you,” the boy replied. the boy gathered up his remaining energy and scurried to the light. with every step the boy took, the light grew brighter. the heart in the boy began to fill with so many emotions. “my journey must be over after i reach the light,” the boy reckoned, “it’s the only thing that i’ve ever searched for.” he continued to hurry through the dark lands toward the beacon of hope. a world full of darkness, living in darkness, submitting to darkness, the boy’s hope always managed to shine through. finally the boy would be able to view light again and see the beauty of the world instead of the nothingness that he had never wished to view. tears filled his eyes as he approached the intense warmth. after years of travelling in the dark, the boy lifted his hands as he came near toward the light. it is then that he saw them, his hands. they were weathered, bloody, dirty, and malformed. tears came to his eyes for another reason at that point. “how did i let this happen? how could i not give care to my own body?” the boy said as he fell to his knees gazing at his hands. the light in front of him faded slightly. he obsessed over his goal so much that he forgot about things in life that mattered most. this whole time, he permitted his mind to float through his breathing, through the pain, through the agony, through the experience of living just so that he could escape his life. he stayed there, motionless, for days, next to the colomn of light. “boy…boy…boy wake up. we are here boy,” the voice echoed. the sound of those words were so low and so deep that it resonated inside the boy. the boy snapped up from where he presumably collapsed next to the light. the light was still there, shining through the darkness. the boy looked around and down at his tattered clothing.” so many wrongs i’ve comitted and no idea how to right them.” the coldness that he lived in warmed around him. in the presence of warmth for days and still his body was absorbing the heat. he felt the small pin pricks of heat penetrate his skin, causing small amounts of consistent pain. neglecting his life had taken its toll. tears dried around his eyes, the boy looked forward into the light as a soft sound came emitting from it. subtle fear came into the boys mind. this unknown feeling came to him. his feelings of guilt and sadness quieted. he was calm. he looked down at his hands again and saw their raw appearance but was not frightened. he reached out towards the sound. he didn’t want to touch the light, however. the caution he developed when living with only himself gaurded him from entering in the light. the soft sound reached an apex of clarity. words streamed from the light that were so crisp, so clear, so beautiful. the words were embraced by the ears of the boy. so incredibly comforting. “boy, boy, it’s time to exit the darkness,” the mysterious voice said. “you? it was you all along who could have taken me out of this?” the boy whimpered in disbelief realizing that the voice that barraged him with feelings of depression and guilt for so long was the beacon of hope. he lowered his hands away from the light. “no, not at all boy. i am simply because you are. without you, i am nothing. this light is you, what is inside of you. this darkness that you’ve lived in is how you’ve viewed life. your struggles, your traveling, your despair is all in the darkness. in that darkness, though, you’ve held your hope. you frantically searched for an exit to this world in hopes of returning to a normal world.

2010-01-06
The boy looked at his malformed, weathered hands again as his heart began to warm. It was a tragedy that he had neglected his body and the things around him for so long. He had always been so caught up in his own head and emotions that he never saw what was happening in the moment. This moment of reflection made the light not only brighter but radiate its warmth greater. There was a stillness all of a sudden. A calming feeling enveloped not just him but the area around him. He could feel the calmness in dirt, rocks, and water around him. There was a beauty to the calmness that he had not felt in ages, since before his journey. That is when he realized it. This was his journey, his story. His journey was necesasry in order for him to be at this one point in his life. To see the perfection in the light in front of him and feel the glorious warmth penetrating his body. The pinpoints of pain that the warmth once created on his cold, beaten skin now felt like a soft blanket covering him on the coldest of days. He didn’t when it happened but he was smiling. A soft and gentle smile creaked at the solemn expression he once swore to. In the light and the warmth, he noticed the silence. This silence was different from the other silences that once littered his life. This silence felt whole and complete. “Do you hear that, voice!? It’s the beautiful song of silence! It’s so warm and comforting.” The boys statement trailed off into the silence. Yet, the voice did not respond. “Friend? Voice?” The boy asked blindly. Where had the voice gone and why had it chose to leave at this glorious moment? “This moment is here for us, we have done it!” As soon as the boy heard himself speak of “we” he realized what the voice was trying to say before. The silence was calming and beautiful because the voice was him and no longer were they in disagreement about the journey. The boy’s instinct, intellect, and heart were all going the same way now. He looked into the light and stood up. This was the end of his journey, the end of the path that took him so far into the depths of darkness. The boy continued to walk into the light and came upon a ladder. The boy knew what this was; it was the escape from the world of darkness he had created. He grasped onto the ladder and began to climb. The pain in the hands and feet has he climbed vertically out of the cavernous maze was intense. It reminded him of the painful times he had getting to this point. The boy smiled at himself, knowing that he was on his way out. After hours of climbing, he came to the top of the ladder. He reached to the top of the ladder and felt something incredibly delightful. The boy quickly scurried to the top excited to see what it was. He stood upon this perfection. It was beautiful. There was grass so incredibly soft surrounded by a line of trees. In the middle of the grassy area ran a small brooke, gurgling a most precious sound. The boy saw it then, the source of the light. The sun beat down so gloriously and radiated such wonderful warmth. The boy closed his eyes and faced the sun to capture everything it had to give. This was his meadow, this was his sanctuary. “Thank you, for everything” the boy said as he thought of the voice. The boy felt an overwhelming joy as if he had just complemented himself. A sudden jolt ran through the boy's body as the voice screamed, "Boy! Wake up! You have to leave. Go now!" The boy stood up and realized that the beautiful and serene moment that he had was just a dream, a dream that was seemingly far away. His eyes began to tear. The pain in his hands and feet throbbed and he shuffled around. How real that sun felt, how soft that grass felt...it was just a dream and nothing to hold. "Boy, listen, I think I know a way out...but we have to go now" Shocked the boy began running, "Which direction?!" "Just continue the same way you are going, but quicker," the voice boomed. The boy run and suddenly realized that the voice said "we". His tears stopped and a smile appeared on his face.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

At Rope's End

Last night marked the end of the current relationship between me and Chris. I don't know if it will blossom into a new relationship or not. We had decided that we would spend some time apart. So he took a job contract about 600 km away. He's been there for about two months and last night we came to the big night of what to do about our relationship. We've had two months to think about it and contemplate on what we want in each other. Honestly, I think we over-engineered the process. We complicated matters and topics so much so that it made it difficult to actually think about anything. That's a side point.

The conversation started like any other of our serious talks. I tried to keep us on target of what to talk about. It ended with Chris telling me that it's over. He cried. I remained quiet and contemplative to the outside. Inside, I was roaring with emotion and thoughts on how to keep the relationship. How can I save it from a destructive end? I tried. Like a chess master at a world tournament, my mind raced to see each and every move along with the opposition's moves for a victory. I, then, excused myself to go take a shower. A place for just me and my thoughts. There was something I was missing. I couldn't figure it out. I put the drain cover and laid down in the tub to feel the shower beating on my chest and the water filling the tub around me. What was I missing? Something is not right like a move in the chess game that I couldn't envision. 

Then it hit me, my pride, my dignity, my pervasive narcissism all stood in the way. They all stood at my front door, preventing me from leaving. I wanted to leave. I remembered some words that my best friend told me a few weeks ago. She told me that I needed to open the door to be with him again. I was the one that closed the door and only I could open it. This was all my fault. I thought I hated him. All my pain was being projected out onto him. It switched. I felt love for him again. I felt the transfer of hate back to me. I wasn't projecting anymore. Then the words that Chris was telling me made sense. All the pain, all the frustration were my fault. I was the asshole who plagued his life. He saw something inside of me and loved me because of it. How did I ever miss this?

I began to panic. How can I save this?! My thoughts rushed back a few days ago at a dinner party. A good friend of mine wasn't paying attention to the things around her plate. She was energetically talking and moving her hands. In the middle of a hand movement, she accidentally hit the plate of cookies next to her. They were on a direct trajectory toward the ground. She did a fancy ninja move and ended up grabbing all the cookies and the plate, so nothing perished. She exclaimed loudly, "I'm a hero! I just saved dessert!" Everyone laughed and I chocked up with a "You can't jeopardize the cookies and then save them and call yourself a hero!" More laughter followed with a grumpy look on her face. This was the exact same situation. I'm the one who fumbled the relationship and put it into peril. I can't save the relationship only Chris can save it. The only thing I can do is ask him to. 

I got out of the bath and realized that any pain only begins to heal with an apology. This knot appeared in my entire body trying to prevent me from apologizing. I know that I needed to. I needed to conquer this in order to ask for forgiveness and continue our relationship. The knot welled up more. "It's not my fault, it's not my fault," the knot insisted. That's when I realized that pride, dignity, and pervasive narcissism were standing at my door. I saw them there. They probably have a valid reasoning for standing there. It was probably some old and antiquated defense mechanism from childhood days. I don't know. All I know is that I needed to leave the figurative house. 

I left the bathroom, ready for bed. I closed my emotions off again, instinctively. I went into the bedroom and grabbed a pillow and two blankets. I was going to sleep on the couch and give him the bed. I preferred it that way. He was standing there, semi-crying, telling me that it is fine and that he will sleep on the couch. Standing there in the bedroom holding my linens, I looked at him and felt the surge of freedom from the trio (pride, dignity, and pervasiveness narcissism). The freedom was scary. I didn't know what to do with it. So I apologized, "Hey, listen. I know that I have been a complete ass in the last year and that I've hurt you loads. I'm really, really so very sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you and sorry for treating you horribly." He broke out into more sobs. All this crying makes me shell back up. It triggers something inside of me that goes numb. Again, it is probably some antiquated defense mechanism. He doubled over and sank to the ground in the doorway, sobbing. I walked over, trying to come out of my shell, and pulled his head near my thighs. He sobbed more. I told him, again, that I was so very sorry. After some uncertain amount of minutes, I pulled away and said that I needed some time and needed to go to sleep. It was a little awkward. He came to sit by me on the couch at some point but I was quiet. I didn't know what he was thinking. Was he thinking to change his mind? Would he save the relationship? He eventually left and I fell asleep quickly.

I had some very targeted dreams about the different ways of the relationship ending. I woke up some point in the middle of the night and couldn't fall back asleep as the cats played around me.

When we were both awake, it was really awkward. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat anything. I took a shower almost immediately after he came to sit next to me on the couch again. Perhaps the shower could again give me some clarity by washing away the mud-thick thoughts. Standing there, I thought of nothing, just the impending doom on the relationship. I sank into a sadness. I got out of the shower and muddled around the apartment. The awkwardness was still prevalent. I avoided contact with him in case I said something stupid that would convince him to continue to leave. My mind still racing, I started to make tea. He jumped in the shower. I stood there while the tea steeped but only blank ideas came. I prepared my tea, put on my jacket, and stood out on the snowy balcony. I stood there gazing out on white rooftops and snow-covered grounds. Drinking hot tea in the absolute freezing cold is amazing. The feeling alone of cold and hot. The juxtaposition of the warm house and the freezing balcony. It was all so surreal. I loved him. The thought process came back. My mind started churning out productive, non-looping thoughts. I loved him. I'm so calm and secure when he is around. That's all I need. I don't need a superstar or a socialite. I just need a home with him. 

I felt that surge of freedom again. This time it was strong and brought tears to my eyes. I heard a faint echo in my mind telling me "You need to do this. Not to just ask him to save your relationship but to begin to free yourself from the confines of your life. A freedom from father, a freedom from mother, a freedom to live." Then the echo gave a warning, "You have just created your childhood. Mom and Dad are at an impasse and you are the only one to save it. You are the only one who bring Mom and Dad back together again. Whatever the outcome, blog your thoughts and remember not to let this be cyclical. You needed this to happen, to enlighten you about your feelings, your misdoings, and how much you actually loved him." The echo stopped and I heard its reverberation getting fainter and fainter. What's the next step then, after apology? I had already apologized, sincerely, so pride is taken care of for now. Dignity. That's the next thing at my door. I need to ask for him to save the relationship. Tears came to my eyes again. I need to sincerely ask him. I went back inside.

He came out of the shower and prepared for the day. I was on the couch staring out in nothing. He came into the living room and asked if he should leave and meet up at therapy in a few hours. I remained silent. I knew that I needed to say it then. A very long awkward pause happened. I told him to sit on a stool. He agreed and sat down. The words were not coming up. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever said in my life. All these feelings of fault and pride and dignity welled up in my throat preventing me from speaking. I managed, "I don't want this to be over, this can't be over."  Then the emotions started playing dirty and making me cry. I coughed through them speaking ever so slowly and meticulously, "I've treated you horribly in the past year and I have disappointed you and me. I know that I can change to be the man that you and I want me to be. If this is completely over, know that you haven't hurt me, I have hurt myself." I broke into some sobs and tears. It was painful. The most painful thing I have done. After some cuddling and sobbing, I told him he needs some space to think as do I. So I picked up my computer and headed out. 

Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop wondering what the future will be. Our therapy session begins in 30 minutes. This croissant I'm eating is making me ill. Is it next week yet?


Friday, January 6, 2012

a boy and a lake

There is an image that haunts my very soul. It's a dark image, many silhouettes appear, coming in and out, out of focus. The sound of silence rings in the ears of those who take a view upon the scene.  When sounds do come, they are muted and create no echo. Their existence is short and provide no comfort from the escape of silence. The colors are drab and dull. Grass appears withered and dead while water provides no blue reflection, only that of dirty ponds.

there is a boy sitting at a lake. he is wearing shorts, tennis shoes, and socks that come up past his ankles. he is rather short but he is only a child. his hair is medium in length and somewhat sandy blonde...but dark as well. his shirt is baggy and dirty. he is sitting on the shore of this lake. his expression shows that of disappointment. he is playing with the rocks that are below him. he doesn't seem to be alone but he acts as if he is. he sits there, legs bent, sitting on the ground, looking morose and lifeless. something was taken from him. nothing physical but something that every child should have...a spark....a life force. this child exists without existing. he knows it. he just waits for the next thing. he is filled with disappointment. it isn't disappointment with himself but with someone else. at this stage he holds no disappointment for himself. he is crushed, though. he is utterly crushed. he doesn't cry but just waits. he picks up a rock and slightly hits it on another rock, knowing very well that nothing will happen. he knows the rocks won't break but he continues to do so. the rocks are nice and smooth. the water on the lake is calm and quiet. he is sitting there waiting for something to happen but, secretly, expects it to fail again. he is use to this kind of disappointment. this complete letdown. he doesn't think that he actually deserves to be made happy. he figures that life is just full of letdowns. he stops hitting his rock and crosses his arms over his knees and looks out on the lake. in front of him there is a row boat. it gently sways on the still water. there are two benches and two oars inside this boat. it's been there for quiet some time. the condition of the wood is not good, its protectant coating as long worn off and it splinters to the elements. it is as lonely and disappointed as the boy. it wants someone to validate its use and existence. it wants someone to row across the lake in it. but it sits there, half in the water, half on the shore, tied to a rock. it sits there and slowly dies and no one is watching or realizing what is happening. the boy gazes out on it but doesn't see its weathered condition. all the boy sees is a lost promise, an unfulfilled dream. the boy sees another opportunity to be let down. the boy wants his adventure but doesn't want it alone. his adventures alone provide no validation from the human world. he wants to be accepted. he wants people to recognize him for what he is. instead, he feels overlooked or badly looked upon. if only, he wouldn't be let down and someone would take him over and smile down at him and return his excitement. if only someone would feed into his imagination and help create an adventure of kings. an adventure that would take that rowboat and give it a color of deep golden brown. it's bow would be raised with ornate and elaborate wood workings. its oars would be in the shape of long branches with a leaf at the end. the boat would be the vessel that would take the boy and who he is waiting for to that special place where adventures come true. the boat would be proud to be the boy's boat and would always be looked upon as a vessel of honor and pride. the boy would stand tall at the front of the row boat as it made its way down the clear waters that reflect a beautiful, blue sky. from the waters, the boy would be able to see everything, not just the reflection of the sky but the reflection of time and space and himself. all that in a single reflection and the boat would be sailing through. they would reach the other side of that lake. but that is just what the boy fantasizes for. the reality stings as the boat sits in the quiet, still lake and the boy continues to tap one rock with another, sitting on the shore wondering where his person is.

Naming My Emotions

2 Minutes on each feeling.

I feel Angry...
I feel angry about the way my life is going right now. I'm angry that I don't have the perfect life that I dreamed of as a child. I'm having massive problems in a relationship, I have tons of issues being gay and trying to be happy about being gay, I'm in a career area that I absolutely do not like and I regret so much of what I didn't do growing up. I was not a fun kid and I wish that had the insight as a teenager to explore more and make stupid decisions. I'm angry that I'm always too cautious and have always been too cautious. I'm angry that I feel the need to make everyone around me comfortable. I can't even hold hands with my partner without feeling the shame that I think everyone is giving me.

I feel Sad...
I feel sad that I'm alone. My partner is in a different city on a temporary job contract and I am here alone. We are using this time to work on "us". We are trying to figure out if we should stay together or not. I feel sad that I am superficial and don't find him attractive. I wonder if it is superficiality or if it is just me project how I view myself onto him. My self-esteem is at a major low. No one here finds me attractive, I don't even find me attractive.

I am Afraid...
I am afraid of ending up alone. I fear being alone for the rest of my life; not being able to love anyone or love myself. I am scared of death, very much so. I feel the fear come over me whenever I leave my apartment. I don't want to be out in public, it is all so scary. I am afraid of doing life on my own again. Back to trying to figure out how the world works and paying my bills alone and sending post on my own. I am afraid that I won't be loved, even worse, I suppose, I am afraid that I won't allow anyone to love me.

I am Sorry...
I am sorry to my partner right now that he has to go through all this shit that I am pushing onto him. He probably never signed up for someone who needs to work out their childhood issues. I'm sorry that I make it hard for him and give him seemingly impossible goals like reading my mind. I'm sorry to my mother that I don't call often and keep her informed of my travels abroad. I feel ashamed that my life isn't working out perfectly and she deserves to hear that my life is working out perfectly because that is what she wants. I am sorry to my friends for pushing them away, as I have a habit of doing when people are not physically near me.

I am Frustrated...
I am frustrated that I can't seem to get out of the lazy funk that I am in. Every day I spend a minimum of twenty minutes in bed before I get out. I even tried to get out of bed within five this morning. It's like my bed is an emotional magnet. The more caught up I am in my mind, the more distracted I need to become, so I stay in bed and read my phone forever. I am frustrated that I am stopping myself from going to the gym. It's good for me and I am sure that is why I am stopping myself from doing it. I am frustrated that I can't seem to meet up with new friends.

I am Worried...
I am worried that my life is going to change in the next month or two. I am worried that I will permanently separate from my partner and move on to the next phase in my life. I am worried that I may have contracted some STD in the last few months. I haven't had many sexual partners, three to count in the last 6 months, but I fear that I may have something. I have been reasonably protect. All but one was surely protected and the one I know as an old friend that said he was recently tested. I am worried that life will stay this way.

I am Disappointed...
I am disappointed that I haven't found the area that I am suppose to be in, career-wise. I am frustrated that I have six years of advanced education and I am not doing what I truly want to be doing. I am disappointed in myself that I have let it go on for so long. It's been ten years and all I have is some memories and a reasonable resume. I am disappointed in myself for not truly taking life by the horns and enjoying it. I want to go to the gym.

I am Happy...
I am happy that I have found some people here in the area that I can somewhat talk to. They are beginning to listen and that is truly wonderful. I am happy that my cats are getting weirder and more loving. I am happy that my partner and I still do chat via SMS. I am happy that I understand the technological way the world is moving. I am happy that I have this sense of nerdiness that allows me to appreciate all that is nerd and have that nerdiness infiltrate all areas of my life. I am happy that I am able to live and stay in a foreign land to experience a different world. This is truly something that not everyone is able to do and it is something I have always wanted to do.

I feel Secure...
I feel secure that all will end up the way it will and I will still be alive. I feel secure that even if things do explode in my life in the next few months that I have friends back home that will do more than just welcome me home. They will help me get back on my feet and support me for the rest of my life. I am confident of their love.

I am Grateful...
I am grateful for the wonderful things that I have in my life. For starters, since they are right in front of me, my cats. They love me and each other so much and I am grateful that they are like that. I am grateful for their personalities and for them. I am grateful for my friends both here and back home. "No man is a failure who has friends." They are truly a gift bestowed upon me and I appreciate them. I am grateful for my mother and brother who have endlessly worried about and supported me. They want the best for me and, in their own way, tell me that they miss me.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Taking Stock of My Life

This post is intended to take a look and measure where I am at in my life. This is a very general topic with some probing questions. I will start out with some of the questions.

What is working?
Sometimes I think that nothing is working but when I get a chance to sit and look out into the world from a window, I start to develop a sense of patience and reflection. The window is very important to me; it is very telling and enlightening. As I stare out the window, I realize that my life, generally, works. I am not a horrible mess nor do I have any destructive addictions. I am, mostly, okay. My good friendships work really well. They are there no matter how far away I am or how much time passes before contact. My health is working with me as well. I know some may say that as a "at least" statement but I can say that my weight is maintainable, I have no infectious diseases (that I know of!), nor do I have anything that keeps me from feeling well enough to keep my life going.

What is not working?
My shoulders are not working! I say that in a joking manner but they are irritating. I work at a typing job and I have to sit all day long. Not only does my neck get stiff but my shoulders are achey and sometimes causes headaches. My marriage is currently not working. We are working on it but it seems that it doesn't get better. I feel that my career isn't working either. I do have a well paying job and that is all well and good, however, my overall career seems to be straying from where I want it to be. I am a developer for web applications but my heart currently is in being a librarian. I have my degree for library science but I used that to get my current path of software development.

What is missing in my life?
Friends, family, babies. I really want children but I am in no way in any position to be a parent. A falling through marriage and a non-full-time job makes me put the dreams of being a dad on hold. My friends and family are far away in a different country. I will be going back soon but this is my current state. I suppose more than anything is that emotions are missing from my life. I haven't cried at all for my marriage falling through or for me being so far away. I don't remember what love feels like. I miss compassion.

What are the best three things in my life?
The kittens, circles, and my new job. The kittens are always a source of comfort in my life. They are both perfectly different and loving. It is good to have them around. Circles have my attention as of recently. I can't stop recognizing them in the world. Their very organic shapes goes beyond what we can understand. They are amazingly beautiful. My new job is fun right now, so that is good.

What are the worst three things in my life?
I would say the first is my apartment. I don't like the feeling I get when I am inside of it. Perhaps it is haunted or that all the furniture belongs to the landlord. I don't know exactly but it doesn't feel like a home that is mine and at times it can feel very uncomfortable. Next is the state of my marriage. I lack the ability to appreciate it for what it is. Instead, I fantastize about what the next person will be like. I have this ridiculous concept of some person riding in on a white horse to rescue me from all my troubles and pains.Lastly, I would say that not being able to talk to be at work is bad. They speak a different language and my ability to speak that language is intermediate at best.

What does it feel like to be me?
Mostly sad and alone. I feel I have this nice big bubble layer around me to keep me from experiencing life in all its glory. The bubble layer around me also keeps me from seeing the beautiful colors and shapes and keeps out feelings, good and bad. My passions are quickly extinguished by a lack of interest in society. The oppression that I get from being gay by society tends to make me feel like a goon.