Taking Stock of My Life

This post is intended to take a look and measure where I am at in my life. This is a very general topic with some probing questions. I will start out with some of the questions.

What is working?
Sometimes I think that nothing is working but when I get a chance to sit and look out into the world from a window, I start to develop a sense of patience and reflection. The window is very important to me; it is very telling and enlightening. As I stare out the window, I realize that my life, generally, works. I am not a horrible mess nor do I have any destructive addictions. I am, mostly, okay. My good friendships work really well. They are there no matter how far away I am or how much time passes before contact. My health is working with me as well. I know some may say that as a "at least" statement but I can say that my weight is maintainable, I have no infectious diseases (that I know of!), nor do I have anything that keeps me from feeling well enough to keep my life going.

What is not working?
My shoulders are not working! I say that in a joking manner but they are irritating. I work at a typing job and I have to sit all day long. Not only does my neck get stiff but my shoulders are achey and sometimes causes headaches. My marriage is currently not working. We are working on it but it seems that it doesn't get better. I feel that my career isn't working either. I do have a well paying job and that is all well and good, however, my overall career seems to be straying from where I want it to be. I am a developer for web applications but my heart currently is in being a librarian. I have my degree for library science but I used that to get my current path of software development.

What is missing in my life?
Friends, family, babies. I really want children but I am in no way in any position to be a parent. A falling through marriage and a non-full-time job makes me put the dreams of being a dad on hold. My friends and family are far away in a different country. I will be going back soon but this is my current state. I suppose more than anything is that emotions are missing from my life. I haven't cried at all for my marriage falling through or for me being so far away. I don't remember what love feels like. I miss compassion.

What are the best three things in my life?
The kittens, circles, and my new job. The kittens are always a source of comfort in my life. They are both perfectly different and loving. It is good to have them around. Circles have my attention as of recently. I can't stop recognizing them in the world. Their very organic shapes goes beyond what we can understand. They are amazingly beautiful. My new job is fun right now, so that is good.

What are the worst three things in my life?
I would say the first is my apartment. I don't like the feeling I get when I am inside of it. Perhaps it is haunted or that all the furniture belongs to the landlord. I don't know exactly but it doesn't feel like a home that is mine and at times it can feel very uncomfortable. Next is the state of my marriage. I lack the ability to appreciate it for what it is. Instead, I fantastize about what the next person will be like. I have this ridiculous concept of some person riding in on a white horse to rescue me from all my troubles and pains.Lastly, I would say that not being able to talk to be at work is bad. They speak a different language and my ability to speak that language is intermediate at best.

What does it feel like to be me?
Mostly sad and alone. I feel I have this nice big bubble layer around me to keep me from experiencing life in all its glory. The bubble layer around me also keeps me from seeing the beautiful colors and shapes and keeps out feelings, good and bad. My passions are quickly extinguished by a lack of interest in society. The oppression that I get from being gay by society tends to make me feel like a goon.