I don't want to write about...

I don't want to write about my sexual experiences               when I was young. It is a moment in my life where I felt such shame and regret even though it happened continuously. I never took advantage of     but I had always felt as if I did. I do not want to write about how my mother messed up while raising me. I have such a great relationship with her now and I don't want to think negatively of that. I don't want to write about how I think my mother is sad with her life because that makes me sad. She has gone through a lot and I feel that she has had to sacrifice a lot in order to continue her life. She has rationalized and settled, basically, for the life she has now. Accepting that, I feel I may start feeling some pain thinking that I was only a settled upon child, not being really loved. I don't want to write about what I want. But that is totally not true, I don't want to tell people what I want, that is true. I feel it so difficult to tell people what I want. There are expectations that they then need to meet and to think about. I don't want to be of any trouble. I don't want to write about failing my marriage. I would have to come to terms with telling everyone that it is over and all the work that they did at my wedding and in/for my relationship was gone to waste. I don't want to write about how unhappy I actually am with life and everything that I have. It is all so tragic. I don't want to write about when I had to take my pet rats to the vet to put them down because I had neglected them for a long while as their health was deteriorating. I just remained ignorant. I don't want to write about how I managed to fuck up things so badly with those that I love. I don't want to write about how disappointed I am that I am gay and will never have a "normal" family. I don't want to write about how I want to be someone else, a straight boy married to a girl with children.