Goals

There are a couple of goals that I want to get out of this journaling experience. One is to fix my relationship. We have been together for about 4 and a half years now and things are falling apart. I fear the worst for the relationship. My only hope is to be honest and keep telling him what I want. His name is Chris. I have an issue with telling people what I want. I suppose, I fear that at some point they will start yelling at me. That leads me into my next goal; fixing my inner child. When I say "fixing", I mean to get in contact with the poor lad and tell him how amazing he is. This is rather difficult while I logically understand how he should feel and how I felt back then but I don't quite realize it yet. This is a hard point for me to make and I have tried over and over again but I will still continue to try. There is a difference between knowing and believing or knowing and feeling. I know how I should have felt back then, as a child. The facts are clear. I was raised by two parents who were hurt children as well. I was a mere obligation. Father seemed to not want kids around at all. I was always so isolated. I wanted to hang out on the roof of the house or in a tree, by myself. It was much more peaceful out there. No one ever bothered me. I suppose, though, I always did want someone to come over and join me or get me out of the tree. I know that these facts exist but I struggle with feeling the pain that the kid felt.

In conclusion, two goals. Fixing relationship and feeling the pains of my past.